FinnishSerenity

Meeting new people – with a past as a judge

Meeting new people - with the past as a judge

Meeting new people can be inspiring or scary. It can feel like a great opportunity or a terrifying sanction. Why we experience it so differently is because of our beliefs, presuppositions, and experiences.

Beliefs make us judge and value person based on many unimportant characteristics. Looks, way of speaking or behaviour - they all affect our judgement before we’ve even exchanged a single word with her or him. There are stereotypes supporting this: If a person has glasses, (s)he is wise. If a person is a little overweight, (s)he must be funny too. If a person has a suit and fit body, (s)he has to be successful, maybe even rich.

However, we know that the need for glasses depends on other thing. Whether the environment and experience have affected a particular gene in a person that, when activated, contributes to a vision impairment. We know that being overweight can actually be challenging situation for a person’s self-image. (S)he may treat the subject with humour. However, (s)he may be ashamed or indifferently reducing her or his love for her-/himself because of that. When we think a little deeper and more broadly, we know that this well-dressed person in a suit may be something else. (S)he may have trained to be fit for example in the military or a prison. The suit may be for going to the first job interview of his life for an office job or as a car salesman.

Our beliefs are reinforced assumptions, memories, and experiences. Because I have been taught this way, or because that has happened in the past, in a similar situation this experience is likely to be exactly the same.

We always assume we know, but we really never know. It is easier for the mind to make quick interpretations based on preconceptions. And sadly often we believe these interpretations as full truths.

Experiences of what it’s like to be with certain kind of a person. In our youth, we may have collected joyful memories of our fellow human beings of that time. If we spent a lot of time at a young age with hippies, we favour them. If we spent time with punks, rockers, rappers, or goths, for example, and the memories from that time are positive, we have a basic assumption and a belief: they are all nice to be with. Oppositely we may dislike some group of people just because at some time our youth we were told to do so.

Meeting new people

Why does meeting new people happen through the past and assumptions?

It is for the mind, the brain, easy and effective. Instead of having to reinterpret every situation and thing from the beginning, it is easier to make a presumption based on past knowledge. If you see four wheels, doors, and glass in front of the case in front of you, it’s probably a car you can drive. You might hear a ticking sound, and assume it’s a clock, maybe with humour a time bomb. If you suddenly feel cool, you assume there is a sudden change in temperature.

What if it was a car-like sculpture (it can’t move!)? Maybe a person near you was ticking the tongue with a steady pace in her or his mouth? Perhaps you got the cold shivers of something you just subconsciously thought or experienced?

Equally possible options all of them.

You may still experience resistance at this point for this point of view. You might think the previous options are way more likely to happen. Similarly, the latter options may seem silly. It does not rule out the possibility that they would not be possible. But when our mind works with automation, it interprets the world according to beliefs, assumptions, and probabilities.

Similarly, in the case of meeting new people we tend to act same way. We proceed through interpretations filtered by probabilities, beliefs, experiences, and presuppositions. Ultimately, we favour an old and familiar social environment. We already know something about it, and it’s familiar and safe. Therefore, we are happy to choose people like ourselves and familiar to our existing close circle. However, in doing so we similarly reject new different people from our lives. People, who could be much more than we allow ourselves to assume. We unconsciously prevent them from giving us a tremendous amount of more good in our lives. We strengthen the old familiar and safe established environment with familiar people in our lives. That in turn helps to ensure that life does not develop and become much richer in social terms.

It is important to also listen to the inner instinct of self preservation.

Naturally, not all people are on the same level as you. They might also be going through nasty stages in their lives that can be projected with mean words and deeds into their environment. If a person does not respect your limits or your dignity, (s)he should not be a person in your life at that time. You should always take good care of yourself and make sure you are respected and feeling good. By taking distance from the person who treats you badly, you're doing a favour both for yourself and her or him. You are giving him or her an important doctrine that, at best, makes him or her a person who treats others better over time.

Meeting new people

However, if the person is nice, kind, and treats you with respect but is very different from you, at least listen to his or her story. You can only get more out of it. Enjoy something new and different. While you can learn great new things from another world, you can also learn tremendously from yourself.

Meeting new people - a process that enriches your life

Change requires change.

What if you allowed yourself to meet people like you have avoided in the past for various reasons? What if you might be pleasantly surprised? By changing the established laws of your life and opening yourself to the world, meeting new people will surely enrich you both spiritually and experientially.

New great experiences and leaps of development are achieved in the area of discomfort.

Learning and expansion of consciousness begins when you step out of the comfort zone. Leave willingly the familiar and safe social-bubble that you already have experience with. Then it is possible to accept and receive unexpectedly great new things and experiences which otherwise would have been out of your reach.

Allow yourself new opportunities for happiness.

Instead of building a wall and a bubble around your familiar life, what if you opened the doors and windows to all the wonderful things the world has to give you? Without going out you can’t know what beautiful things are out there waiting for you. Similarly, you already know quite well what your current established life will give you. Give yourself the opportunity to experience new sources of happiness.

Live curiously by learning.

Every person’s journey is full of nuanced experiences, doctrines, and insights. Every person’s journey is different, unique. By chatting with as many different people as possible, your world expands tremendously. Instead of just experiencing your own world, you get to experience the world of all the people you meet. The more different a person is than you find yourself to be, the richer and more exotic the experience will be to get to know her or him.

Meeting new people is a gift. Open it by leaving out your past. Listen in depth to what their story about them and the world reveals for you. Your own world may open up to a whole new level of delightful and wonderful proportions.

 

Feel warmly welcomed to continue this topic with me in Facebook or Instagram!

Posted by FinnishSerenity in Life

Should I divorce

Should I divorce?

Marriage is fundamentally a promise of never-ending commitment to another person. But what if, as life goes on, you find yourself thinking: should I divorce?

It's a huge change in every day life, and it definitely deserves lots of time to ponder through.

Should I divorce

Should I divorce or keep on trying?

There's a catch in the sentence above. Trying always assumes failure. "I tried to make it", "He tried to help", "I'm trying to fix this", "Try harder!" or "You can always try". 

Getting things change and done is a matter of doing and thinking the question "how" instead of trying and thinking the question "why". If your goal is to succeed, think through solutions, forward-moving actions and doing now. 

Oppositely, can you imagine a great result with attitude: "I'm trying to find what problems there are", "I wonder why happened what happened" and "Tomorrow I'll do it". Those are phrases which imply staying in the past or still, and low motivation. If you don't act now towards living and doing better, it tells a lot of your will to change things better.

Marriage is a matter of love, a matter of heart. Logic and analysis aren't the best tools to ignite passion and maintain love. And in matters of love, a pure love, everything starts from how much do you love yourself.

 

Should I divorce myself in the same situation?

Self-reflection can be difficult and painful, but it's essential if you want to be the best version of yourself. We all have our shadows and darker sides, but what's your relationship with them: do you fiercely push them down, or do you accept and love them too?

The big question is: do you love yourself?

Would you be happy and passionate having yourself as your partner in marriage? Would you accept your shadows and celebrate with your brighter characteristics? Do you love yourself? Do you communicate with yourself? Do you give time and space for yourself?

If that's not the case, it's either probably somewhat difficult to happily and honestly allow those to your partner, or you might be neglecting yourself badly.

Everything in our lives comes within ourselves.

If you're not happy, your environment sees that and gets affected. If you're angry, your environment gets affected. If you don't take care of yourself, your environment imitates that behavior.

Should I divorce

1. It is really important you take your time to be happy, relaxed, and find opportunities on daily basis to enjoy the life just the way you want to. Only by that you can radiate those positive inner feelings to your surroundings and persons there as well.

 

My partner doesn't invest in our marriage

As the harder part is handled above, let's go to the easier part. It's often so much easier to see problems outside of ourselves than within ourselves. We tend to protect our egos, our identity and self-worthiness so hard, that we almost automatically assume the problem is someone else's fault than ours. It's perfectly normal and natural.

And quite often that is the case.

As it often happens, you might be doing your best: you want to discuss, you surprise your partner with positive gestures, you make food, you clean, and you take care of yourself and of possible family. Oppositely, your partner seems to not participate, and if you ask her/him to do her/his part, you get yelled at.

It is also possible, especially in self-growth and self-development area, that you evolve quicker than your partner. You start to see things more clearly, and want to enhance your life with new-found emotions, thoughts and actions... but your partner isn't following. That doesn't have to be a problem, but it can be in some cases.

If you partner isn't doing or acting the way that deep down would make you happy. you're sabotaging by your life allowing that. And your life is so precious and valuable. Don't waste it.

One thing certain in life is change. Do you change together or only one of you? Sometimes another person in marriage can be further what comes to social and partnership skills than another. Then this more experienced person would be beneficial to help the other, for your both's benefits.

Should I divorce

2. Communicate. Express kindly and lovingly, how your partner's gestures, sayings and actions affect you. Describe how things would be if she/he would adjust for better, little by little. Tell how important it is to you and for your marriage. Your partner may get defensive; understand that, and keep communicating peacefully and understandingly. Then you'll find out, what is possible. If he/she forgets those promised development-steps, remind kindly every now and then and encourage with loving gestures to keep going - changes need time after all.

 

Instead of should I divorce: should WE divorce?

It takes two to tango. As mentioned above, it may be the case, that only another partner needs the pressure to change things: either taking care of self, or helping the partner to invest a bit more.

Marriage is a bond between two people and it is cherished and kept flourishing by two people. But remember: even if you work as a one single unit, there are two separate minds and hearts involved. 

Every moment married people spend apart changes them by different experiences they encounter throughout the day. You might be having a stroll in a park, and see funny little ducks that make you happy for the rest of the day. Your partner might witness a car accident, and be really shocked of it. Then you sit on a dinner table, and the happy partner continues discussing your plans of having a holiday trip. The sad partner expresses not being in a mood of planning about it. Happy person accepts that, asks the reason, but the other one doesn't feel talking about it.
The day turns to evening. Happy person gets little sad seeing the other one sad, and starts to wonder why not talk about the holiday trip. Something must have happened. Soon those thoughts get bigger and darker: "Doesn't she/he want to go on a trip with me? Did I upset her/him somehow? Doesn't she/he like to be with me anymore?" and eventually "should we divorce?". 

With better communication it would have been clear, that seeing the car accident was bad, as when this partner was young she/he experienced a close relative to pass away that way, and seeing a car accident brought up sad memories. She/he would like to have that holiday trip, but doesn't want to talk about it today. Actually she/he would like to have a hug, but because of the gloomy mood doesn't have words to express that.

In marriage there are two separate minds and hearts, and no mind- or heart-reading skills. Without communication even the smallest things can escalate in mind to a big mountains, and if those things have the time to really ground and get strong, they can affect tremendously the marriage's direction. 

3. Be open and honest about everything. What you have in your mind may be misunderstandings. They can also be important matters the other partner thinks too on daily basis. Trust your partner. Together you'll find the right way and the right decision.

Loving communication is the best way, no matter what. Listen what you really want and need right now, and kindly tell that out loud.

4. I want you to put your hand on your heart. 
Take a deep breath in and out.
Ask yourself, what makes you happy.
Listen.
Ask yourself, what do you want.
Listen.
Tell your partner that. Kindly, and honestly, and let her/him answer. Don't fight. Just understand lovingly, that your partner has opinions and thoughts too, and they're the truth to your partner as your thoughts are the truth for you. Communicate wisely, kindly, honestly and lovingly. You'll have the correct steps in your hands in no time.

 

If this article brought you understanding and joy, or raised up any questions, feel free to send me a message and let me know!

Have a beautiful day!

Posted by FinnishSerenity in Life
What if? We never really know until we just know.

What if? We never really know until we just know.

What if...?!

What if you read this article? If you don't? What then?

Doubts.

They’re everywhere. We have doubts of future, survival, success, dreams, ourselves, of our fellow people and our loved ones. Even when we’re so certain we know how things are, one day we find ourselves thinking: What if I’m wrong? What if I’ve told lies to myself and been wanting to believe something that isn’t quite what it seems. Presumptions whether I’m still not good enough, if they are not good enough, if she/he isn’t good enough.

What if...

What if

What a wonderful word.

It has so much potential and so much misguidance. When used to doubt already good things, this word stops us, pushes us back and in worst case scenario misguide us from the path we so far so happily walked on. We get used to things going well and us feeling good, when there’s enough of it. One day we wake up noticing we don’t feel that awesome and splendid, and we start to question and doubt, are things really good.

These doubts come to make us worry, revalue and find something to make us feel great. Questioning makes us try to find, rationalize, what might be wrong as I’m not feeling that great.

What if everything is still great, but we’re used to try find something or someone to blame, because actually we forgot to enjoy and be grateful of things what we already have?

Could it be things aren’t that bad as it seems? If things around us and in our minds are seemingly bad just because of our fears and and earlier experiences?

What if we fail again, because we failed before? If we're not good enough because we've got that experience so many times earlier? Assuming because we're still searching, we're not going to find?

Flip!

what if

What if things are actually great?

What if every time we feel bad means we're letting some burden go away and our lives gets easier every day? Perhaps these feelings of doubt just mean, that we’re on a door of great life, and it’s so exciting and new it’s scares me a bit.

Supposing we can? What if everything will just go amazingly? If all things we worry are just echos of a past which from we’ve learnt a great deal and we’re actually going to triumph this time!?

What if we made a decision to alter our way of thinking for positive?

What if we decided to instead of fearing future to start believing it? If we every now and then would thank ourselves, appreciate ourselves and value things around us? If our life would turn to be just amazing!?

From the experience latter point of view is way more enjoyable than anterior. Yes, there might still be doubts, but they’re nothing to worry about as long as you remember you have decided to start feeling well and think positively.

Interestingly, the universe will notice that and will help you on your positive and grateful path.

Start thinking you feel better. Visualize yourself feeling awesome. Even the smallest possible switch to better direction can eventually generate a majestic change, and miracles start to happen.

Then you will know.

Open this page, scroll a bit down to video and remind yourself you're the key-keeper of your life.

You should see it also in Finnish Serenity's Instagram -feed.

You, if anyone, deserve to think and feel better.

Posted by FinnishSerenity in Life

5 steps to prevent being anxious

Anxious

That heavy, sometimes suffocating emotion we tend to feel in our chest, stomach, head, wherever. Even though emotions are universal and we can easily relate when someone describes feeling frustration or anxiousness, the way we feel them is unique.

Our emotions rise from our past, experiences, memories, self-worthiness, beliefs, values and dreams. And they are all unique as all our life stories are one-of-a-kinds.

War. Corona. Diseases.

Do they make you anxious? Some get anxious with them, some don't.

Expectations. Presumptions. Demands.

Some get anxious with them, some don't.

Your current life. Your job. Your ordinary days in life.

Some get anxious with them, some don't.

What is the difference in which makes one anxious and which does not?

Answer is surprisingly simple: expectations of outcomes.

Things that happened:

Do you think how they could have gone differently if some element would have been or done differently? Do you wonder how your life would be like, if you had done or had not done something in your past?

Things that are happening now:

Do you expect them to end up well or bad? Do you wish they'd go differently than they are going? Would you want to steer the wheel to other direction than where things are seemingly going now?

Things that are about to happen:

Do you go through various different scenarios in your mind how that becoming thing is going to end up? Or do you ponder if anything is even going to happen? Should you do option a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, or i to achieve the one certain outcome that you so eagerly desire?

Anxious

This kind of thinking is natural. It's our logical and presuming mind, which has been invaluable for humans to get this far. Learning from past, adjusting present and planning for future - these are good things. So, why and when the anxiousness kicks in?

When we glue ourselves to only one narrowed outcome.

We can't control anything but ourselves. The world around as moves as it pleases: approximately 8 billion people make their own unique decisions every day, and they all impact the world from their own perspectives and wishes of outcomes. This might sound unsettling at first, but it actually isn't!

From anxious to freedom

Imagine if you could live with a mindset of not worrying about a thing. You would do your best, be kind to others, love unconditionally and live gratefully, and whenever you would feel anxiousness lurking around your guts, you could greet it, tell it all is good, and the anxiousness would walk away.

That is achievable.

By adjusting your mindset, perspective, and inner interpretation and self-talk, serenity takes over you.

For example:

I fell really badly with a bike when I was young, that was awful, wish that never happened - I fell with a bike when I was young, oh boy that was thrilling experience and I sure learnt to improve my biking skills.

I feel so tired at the moment, what if I have corona, or what if I'm just lazy and bad person - I feel so tired at the moment, I'm so grateful for my body to tell me it's deserved time to take me-time, relax, and continue with my tasks after I've slowed down and enjoyed the chill side of life for a moment.

I'm sure I'm going to fail tomorrow, I'm so nervous and I'm not sure I have the needed skills to succeed - I'm sure tomorrow's going to be exciting day, I'm allowed to have this exciting experience, learn a lot from myself and know, that whatever happens, I have taken steps forward either with learning new things or acclaimed new things to get closer to by perfect life.

Why these things keep happening to me?! - I've learnt so much in my life.

Wish I was someone else - I know what and how I want to develop myself.

I'm afraid of what future holds for me - I'm eager to see what amazing gifts future will send to me!

Preventing anxious moments

  • Don't expect anything but new experiences and lessons.
    • Accept that you have no control over things. When you truly embrace that thought, you will notice how relieving it just to always do your best today. When you have good intentions, confidence and you act from your heart, good things will come your way.
  • Be grateful of what you have and what you get.
    • People are amazing at adapting, that's important for our survival. Unfortunately we adapt so easily to things we have great in our lives. Every now and then stop for a moment to examine, what is well in your life and feel grateful about them. As a pro tip for greater self-development: be grateful about seemingly challenging things in your life too - they're there to teach you and take you forward.
  • There are no failures -> F.A.I.L = First Attempt in Learning.
    • If you decide in advance how an attempt should go, you'll get anxious beforehand and probably get disappointed with the result (there are pretty sure too many variables for you to take care of). Instead if you see every outcome, whether it ended like you might have planned or not, as a moment and experience of learning, your attitude will change positive towards it. And you'll actually learn to make things better next time! There is no failure, only feedback. 
  • Switch perspective to see how well things actually are.
    • We see our life through our own perspective. That's only one perspective of about 8 billion perspectives in the world. How can you tell your perspective is correct, or the person's perspective next to you is correct. When you think about it, you can't. Choose perspective, which makes you feel the best of yourself! Need examples? "If this poor person would see me now, she/he would be so envious"; "If this rich person would see me now, she/he would admire how nicely simple my life is"; "If this shy person would see me now, she/he would be amazed how brave I was" or "If this reckless person would see me now, she/he would be fascinated how calm and safe my life is". Choose the perspective which makes you feel great about yourself.
  • You can; it's just the matter of when you decide to take action.
    • We all can be anything we want to. That is universal truth; we all have the same wide amount of resources inside us. The difference is, how much one puts effort, focus and time to a single goal. Elon Musk or Steve Jobbs aren't different than you; they just put more effort into their life area of choice. You can achieve whatever you want too - just take the action. 

 

Anxious

 

If you'd like to get more help with your life, check this site, as it may well be the next relieving and lightening step in your life.

Posted by FinnishSerenity in Life