Should I divorce?

Marriage is fundamentally a promise of never-ending commitment to another person. But what if, as life goes on, you find yourself thinking: should I divorce?

It's a huge change in every day life, and it definitely deserves lots of time to ponder through.

Should I divorce or keep on trying?

There's a catch in the sentence above. Trying always assumes failure. "I tried to make it", "He tried to help", "I'm trying to fix this", "Try harder!" or "You can always try". 

Getting things change and done is a matter of doing and thinking the question "how" instead of trying and thinking the question "why". If your goal is to succeed, think through solutions, forward-moving actions and doing now. 

Oppositely, can you imagine a great result with attitude: "I'm trying to find what problems there are", "I wonder why happened what happened" and "Tomorrow I'll do it". Those are phrases which imply staying in the past or still, and low motivation. If you don't act now towards living and doing better, it tells a lot of your will to change things better.

Marriage is a matter of love, a matter of heart. Logic and analysis aren't the best tools to ignite passion and maintain love. And in matters of love, a pure love, everything starts from how much do you love yourself.

 

Should I divorce myself in the same situation?

Self-reflection can be difficult and painful, but it's essential if you want to be the best version of yourself. We all have our shadows and darker sides, but what's your relationship with them: do you fiercely push them down, or do you accept and love them too?

The big question is: do you love yourself?

Would you be happy and passionate having yourself as your partner in marriage? Would you accept your shadows and celebrate with your brighter characteristics? Do you love yourself? Do you communicate with yourself? Do you give time and space for yourself?

If that's not the case, it's either probably somewhat difficult to happily and honestly allow those to your partner, or you might be neglecting yourself badly.

Everything in our lives comes within ourselves.

If you're not happy, your environment sees that and gets affected. If you're angry, your environment gets affected. If you don't take care of yourself, your environment imitates that behavior.

1. It is really important you take your time to be happy, relaxed, and find opportunities on daily basis to enjoy the life just the way you want to. Only by that you can radiate those positive inner feelings to your surroundings and persons there as well.

 

My partner doesn't invest in our marriage

As the harder part is handled above, let's go to the easier part. It's often so much easier to see problems outside of ourselves than within ourselves. We tend to protect our egos, our identity and self-worthiness so hard, that we almost automatically assume the problem is someone else's fault than ours. It's perfectly normal and natural.

And quite often that is the case.

As it often happens, you might be doing your best: you want to discuss, you surprise your partner with positive gestures, you make food, you clean, and you take care of yourself and of possible family. Oppositely, your partner seems to not participate, and if you ask her/him to do her/his part, you get yelled at.

It is also possible, especially in self-growth and self-development area, that you evolve quicker than your partner. You start to see things more clearly, and want to enhance your life with new-found emotions, thoughts and actions... but your partner isn't following. That doesn't have to be a problem, but it can be in some cases.

If you partner isn't doing or acting the way that deep down would make you happy. you're sabotaging by your life allowing that. And your life is so precious and valuable. Don't waste it.

One thing certain in life is change. Do you change together or only one of you? Sometimes another person in marriage can be further what comes to social and partnership skills than another. Then this more experienced person would be beneficial to help the other, for your both's benefits.

2. Communicate. Express kindly and lovingly, how your partner's gestures, sayings and actions affect you. Describe how things would be if she/he would adjust for better, little by little. Tell how important it is to you and for your marriage. Your partner may get defensive; understand that, and keep communicating peacefully and understandingly. Then you'll find out, what is possible. If he/she forgets those promised development-steps, remind kindly every now and then and encourage with loving gestures to keep going - changes need time after all.

 

Instead of should I divorce: should WE divorce?

It takes two to tango. As mentioned above, it may be the case, that only another partner needs the pressure to change things: either taking care of self, or helping the partner to invest a bit more.

Marriage is a bond between two people and it is cherished and kept flourishing by two people. But remember: even if you work as a one single unit, there are two separate minds and hearts involved. 

Every moment married people spend apart changes them by different experiences they encounter throughout the day. You might be having a stroll in a park, and see funny little ducks that make you happy for the rest of the day. Your partner might witness a car accident, and be really shocked of it. Then you sit on a dinner table, and the happy partner continues discussing your plans of having a holiday trip. The sad partner expresses not being in a mood of planning about it. Happy person accepts that, asks the reason, but the other one doesn't feel talking about it.
The day turns to evening. Happy person gets little sad seeing the other one sad, and starts to wonder why not talk about the holiday trip. Something must have happened. Soon those thoughts get bigger and darker: "Doesn't she/he want to go on a trip with me? Did I upset her/him somehow? Doesn't she/he like to be with me anymore?" and eventually "should we divorce?". 

With better communication it would have been clear, that seeing the car accident was bad, as when this partner was young she/he experienced a close relative to pass away that way, and seeing a car accident brought up sad memories. She/he would like to have that holiday trip, but doesn't want to talk about it today. Actually she/he would like to have a hug, but because of the gloomy mood doesn't have words to express that.

In marriage there are two separate minds and hearts, and no mind- or heart-reading skills. Without communication even the smallest things can escalate in mind to a big mountains, and if those things have the time to really ground and get strong, they can affect tremendously the marriage's direction. 

3. Be open and honest about everything. What you have in your mind may be misunderstandings. They can also be important matters the other partner thinks too on daily basis. Trust your partner. Together you'll find the right way and the right decision.

Loving communication is the best way, no matter what. Listen what you really want and need right now, and kindly tell that out loud.

4. I want you to put your hand on your heart. 
Take a deep breath in and out.
Ask yourself, what makes you happy.
Listen.
Ask yourself, what do you want.
Listen.
Tell your partner that. Kindly, and honestly, and let her/him answer. Don't fight. Just understand lovingly, that your partner has opinions and thoughts too, and they're the truth to your partner as your thoughts are the truth for you. Communicate wisely, kindly, honestly and lovingly. You'll have the correct steps in your hands in no time.

 

If this article brought you understanding and joy, or raised up any questions, feel free to send me a message and let me know!

Have a beautiful day!